good luck...

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 21:42:00 GMT

As Your Ghost Takes Flight

saves the day

The last time that I saw you, August of '99,
I should've had my hammer and a few rusty spikes
to nail you on a wall and use bottles to catch your blood
and display you for the neighbors so they know your time had come.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
And as your body sags and the stench rises in vain,
the people on the street are collecting in dismay.
Before your eyes your head lifts towards the sky
and that's the last thing they'll remember of you.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
You've become a ghost.
You're floating somewhere in between
the waking world and a landscape of dreams.
Well it's nothing but dying.
You've got a grenade stuck in your teeth and you're pulling at the pin.
You're an illusion, just a shadow flickering underneath the sun.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.

ha

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 07:58:37 GMT

I have had a wonderful week. camping, family, friends, captian...what else could I ask for? (laura...but shes predisposed so I will forgive her). The only thing that could ruin any of it is thinking too much (which I tend to do but thats besides the point). I want to put to rest the things that haunt me, but that is much easier said than done. I would sooner say goodbye than revisit what went wrong. I just wish I knew how to. maybe some day when i have found the remedy I will be able to share my wisdom...until then I will bury myself in what allows me to leave my troubles at the door and enjoy all that I have been blessed with.

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 07:38:39 GMT

"give me a reason to love you..."

wow, I instantly fell in love with this CD. Thank you tyler. you know me too well. :)

There are so many things I wish I could write down. There is an endless stream of thoughts jumbling around in my mind. Unfinished business, unsaid feelings, all worthless now. I dont know which way is up. I dont think I want to know. If this is how things have to be I would rather just not know whats going on. and now know where I am or who I am. If I cant freeze a moment than I would rather not be able to tell them apart. blur them all together so when I look back on it I just remember a vague feeling. I clearly cant keep people out so why dont I just keep myself in. Yeah, Keep myself in some different place...away from reality. It will be a shorter ride, but it will be more fun. at least I will tell myself that. I cant take this. I want to go back...no I dont...thats rediculous. fuck...its time for another cig.

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 12:27:51 GMT

I just got back from possibly the most wonderful 8 hours I could spend at school. Drunk at open lab for the first 4 hours, then off to McDs for breakfast and albertsons for cigs and sparklers. Then back to school for another 4 hour lab. Playing with sparklers with the lab instructor...setting off fire crackers...jamming to Kosheen. yeah, its been a great night. later today when I have to go back to school for required lab and Im dead tired....it will have been well worth it! I'm so very excited. I just wish my body wasnt so angry with me. its time for bed...

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 08:30:44 GMT

very intense. i forgot how that one went. i wish i had that...even for a moment. true and honest...i suppose i had it once, but I didnt know what to do with it so i took it for granted. by the time I realized what I had it was too late...or so it is said. I dunno, i never will...if i had the opportunity i dont think i would want to know anyways. im glad things ended up the way they did. ive learned a lot and there are mistakes I will never make again. i just hope I have the opportunity to not make them. then again, im sure I could live without all that crap! :) for now im off to sweet dreams backed by the wonderfullness of drag queens...Here's to Robb & Stucky...I'm glad you've found what you were looking for...Ill get there someday...

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 05:54:40 GMT

Its amazing what will cross ones mind when you spend an entire night alone. The cell phone is off, the roommates are gone. You've decided to stay in and do nothing. I dont know quiet how to descibe it. I havent done this in so long. Yeah, a big part of the reason why is because Im sick. But it was a well needed rest. All I've done it eat junk food, smoke cigarettes, and watch movies. Its interesting what you find out about yourself when you least expect it. Even more interesting is what you find out about those around you...when they least expect it. Here's to never believing another word. Never trusting another desperate line, and building a fortress so thick I wont know what sunlight and fresh air are. I've gone too long trying to see the good and being the bigger person. Its got me nowhere. I'm not wasting anymore time. so fuck everything...

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 05:04:41 GMT

Hmmm, I am very happy right now, drinking my margarita, thinking about too many things at once. Its good and despite the fact that im coming off of a really shitty situation, life couldnt be better. I have the best of friends and I never go home unhappy. wonderful. but , here are a few of my thoughts to the afore mentioned shitty situation...

Damageplan f. Jerry Cantrell Lyrics
Ashes To Ashes

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Everytime you trample across my peaceful mind
Flailing freely, want me to let it slide
How you hurt her went so far beyond wrong
I burn you down to cinders, ashes now you’re gone, yeah

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Begging mercy, shifting, playing on both sides
Cut your own throat open and ask me how you died
What was once respect has slowly headed south
Memory forces echoes better in my mouth, yeah

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Well I have no respect left for what you’re about
And sympathy won’t come from me
Erase everything that you once could have been
Destruction of your dignity
I scatter your ashes into the wind
Regret is too short, now you’re free
Leave here in shame doomed to fulfill
Your pathetic destiny

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It’s history
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It’s history

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 01:26:33 GMT

It really is amazing how much can change in such a short time. I never tought it possible, then all of a sudden everything seems to be changing at the same pace throughout all aspects of my life. Its weird. I cant stop it though, so what am I going to do? eh. Heres to a wonderfully interesting weekend. Filled with the best and the worst of things...only a few I would repeat...

Melissa Ferrick
"One Night Stand"

"Go a head and tell your friends
It was a one night stand
Tell 'em you were out of your head
Tell 'em we never made it to my bed
Tell them whatever you want
To make you feel O.K.
But dont try to tell me
You didn't look in my eyes
'N say to me
Don't let go
Don't let go of me"

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 00:56:56 GMT

woo! Im out of the hell hole class for the night and i couldnt be happier! well I could, but its ok. hopefully i will be getting a loan from the devil himself, but I doubt it since he is such an ass! so hurray, now I must go take care of business...

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 06:15:03 GMT

"starving for one thing to make you whole, dreaming of lights on sunset strip. leaving you without the foresight to see the end. So bring on the daylight. The most sober of cures..."

ha I love it. There are so many things I wish I could say, but Good judgement kicks in and well...leaves me unable to say what i really think. that and not being able to express myself in any form other than music. Hopefully someday you will hear my song. And you will finally understand. Until then go on going through the motions...ill pretend to give a shit.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 07:56:35 GMT

not really what I expected, but ok. I dont know what is supposed to happen next, but I guess each day will bring me closer to finding out what I should be doing. geez im sinking again. i allowed myself to be brought here...so I cant complain too much.

in better news, my roommate and I finally recorded one of the songs. it makes me muy happy. I feel as though i have accomplished something and now I have something to look forward to tomorrow. woo hoo. That and I dont have a crazy ass lab schedule this month!! sweet normal sleep schedule!! i could cry

Sun, 29 May 2005 23:35:42 GMT

Ha, I got it. I win (as usual). women are always better. I am completely satisfied.

Fri, 20 May 2005 07:30:56 GMT

This song makes me quite happy. It definitely inspired me today, beauty comes from ashes I guess. Without the shit we go through there wouldnt be anything interesting to write about. Hopefully i will make something worth listening to someday. time will tell. until then ill sit in a dark room with my guitar living my dreams, doing everything im too afraid to do, and saying what needs to be said. All with a simple melody and lots of emotion.

Transcend (Close Your Eyes)
By Irrational

You're the one that showed me
You're the one that showed me the door
Paint a picture like greenery
Paint a picture that is plain to see
I want to walk outside my mind
You're the one that holds the key
I want to walk outside my mind
If you're the one with me

Close your eyes
Open wide
Let me in
We can transcend

In the state between dreaming and awake
absolutely nothing is fake
You realize there is nothing at stake
meet me here tonight x 4

Close your eyes
Open wide
Let me in
We can transcend

When your standing in dark room,
you can open your eyes and see nothing.
Welcome to a bright room, those same eyes can see x 3

Close your eyes
Open wide
Let me in
We can transcend

Wed, 18 May 2005 18:51:11 GMT

I remember now why I only allow myself beer. At least Ive refreshed my memory and now I wont have to go through that again for quite some time! Tonights going to be great, I cannot wait. Oh the things I do...what a dork.

Tue, 17 May 2005 15:59:50 GMT

I am a genius...well actually laura is. She gets all the credit. We have out smarted the system and I get to stay in school for another month with out having to pay $2000 extra. yeah bitches...tonight we celebrate!!

Tue, 17 May 2005 03:06:45 GMT

Yeah, so yesturday was the most amazing day Ive had in a long time. I didnt think it was going to be so wonderful...was I wrong. So, I will go through each day until the next time one of these days rolls around with this song in my head. because we enjoyed it together, and I hope to again very soon.

"Sleeping In"
The Postal Service

Last week I had the strangest dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where there was never any mystery of who shot John F. Kennedy
It was just a man with something to prove
Slightly bored and severely confused
He steadied his rifle with his target in the center
And became famous on that day in November

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

Again last night I had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded
For treating others as they'd like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
For mailing letters with the address of the sender
Now we can swim any day in November

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
(now we can swim any day in November)
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

[x3]
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
OOo oOo oOo

[x2]
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
OOo oOo oOo
(Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping)

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
OOo oOo oOo

Sun, 15 May 2005 08:36:08 GMT

wow, everything is really weird. Its all kind of going by in slow motion. Friendships are slowly disappating, and I find myself in yet another new place. Ehh, it happens...as usual. my heart speeds up every now and then when I realize how sober I am. Its a little refreshing to know how I got home and not be fumbling around my apartment trying desperately to not wake my roommates up. I could use a few days off, but as soon as my break is over Ill be back in the game. I just need a mini detox...yes, thats it. Ok, now I must sleep so tomorrow can get here even faster and I can finally get to what I have been looking forward to for the past week. Good friends, Good food, drum circle, and sara. mmmm I havent been this happy in a while.

Sat, 14 May 2005 07:44:24 GMT

If only you could see what goes on behind the scenes. yes, what Im doing is wrong, but like your control I need something that makes me feel. My scars are on the inside, and are far more numerous than yours. You understand what I feel, I know you do. Dont hate me, please dont shut me out, Im just trying to find my footing again. when i got pushed down it wasnt just to the ground, it was into a chasm. Im just trying to crawl back up again. Added stress doesnt help. When shit happens...its all happens at once. you know that, I have absolutely no luck. Everything bad that could possibly happen, happens all at the same time. so, please dont lose respect for me for cutting so deep. I never did. do what you want of course, but if a friendship to me is on your list of things to do, then be that. What you do need when you are where I am? Thats what I need. Simply someone who understands what I feel and will be there with me and for me no matter what bullshit im going thought. If not, thats fine. but dont pretend you dont understand. Thats it. i dont mean to be a bitch, but some wounds take time to heal. This one could take a while. all Im doing is making sure Im still alive.

Thu, 12 May 2005 01:56:51 GMT

Patience is running thin. I spend my time wondering when I will be able to finally breathe that sigh of relief that only comes from an end to present turmoil. Present isnt the word. indefinite...thats better. I fear the only time I will be truly free from this life long parasite is when I close my eyes for the last time. How much is one person supposed to take? Granted, things could be a lot worse and I am grateful that they arent, but no one deserves this. I didnt ask for it. People keep telling me that good will come from it, that I will be stronger in the end. When is the mother fucking end. If it lasts my entire life, what lesson will I learn? i will have never come out of it, ill never be able to reflect on what was. Tell me how this works, because its been 11 years and I still dont know. Things only get added on to it. No, you cant go through one thing at a time, you have to go through 15 things at a time. Of course thats the only way. my only solice is something Im supposed to hate. fuck. another addiction.

Wed, 11 May 2005 08:31:29 GMT

Great friends, good times, and hope for a smile tomorrow. McDs tonight and donuts in the morning. School all week and sara this weekend. life couldnt be much better. despite the limp Im still walking. With care of course, but Im still making my way and doing my best to help anyone I can along the way. Call me crazy, whatever. Im just another gay mother fucker on this planet. Human of course. All I can do is treat those around me the way I would like to be treated. so here I am as a shoulder, an ear, anything I can do (within human reason of course). I know how down life can take you. Ive been to the depths (Im still on my way out), so whats the best thing I can do with this new knowledge? I cant keep it to myself and feel good. So, I will be an open door. To those who cross my path. No matter why or how. We are all going through the same shit. So, Friend, here is to you. You're not in this alone. When the world disappers, I will still be here. Im too lazy to go anywhere else! :) Have a wonderful night!

Aerial

Tue, 10 May 2005 07:50:15 GMT

As much as it still hurts, Im getting to the point where I look back and Im like "what the fuck?". Yeah, it was all worth it, yeah I fucked up and wish I could change some things, yeah, blah blah blah. but I still wake up every day and I still got it. :) ha so heres to a bright future. No matter what or where or who or how. Ill still have a crooked smile and a song in my heart.

You Went Away
Tegan and Sara

You went away
Cause you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this
forever
Is there more to life than love and being
together?
You went away
Cause you said you couldn't love me
I went away
Cause all I do is love you
Well I don't think we have to be like this
forever
There's more to life than love and being together
When my loud guitar comes in
My thumpin' drums come through
When my loud guitar comes in
My thumpin' drums come through
My loud guitar comes in
My thumpin' drums come through
Well I don't think we have to be like this
forever
There's more to life than love and being together
There's more to life than love and being together
Is there more to life than love and being
together?
I went away

Thu, 05 May 2005 06:36:05 GMT

haha im drunk as hell! yeah! i love having great friends and wonderful music to listen to, to help me with all present situations. Tonight our music of choice was melissa ethridge and the song is so fitting. I very much enjoyed singing my heart out to it! If anything not so fun comes from this, well Im not sorry, just dont read on. I will express how I feel. Granted, the weekend made everything better, but things arent all peaches and keen...soo tough. good friends, good beer, music, and sara make everything yeah bitches!!!enjoy.....

I'm the only one
Melissa Ethridge

Please baby can’t you see
My mind’s a burnin’ hell
I got razors a rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin’ like something
That might be good for you

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothing’s wrong
But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one

Please baby can’t you see
I’m trying to explain
I’ve been here before and I’m locking the door
And I’m not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won’t make
It go away
You’ll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothing’s wrong
But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one

ps. I am drunk as fuck yeah bitches

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 01:50:38 GMT

I guess thats goodbye. Ok. To what was, and may never be...you never know. I've spent too many tears on it. I just need to move on. Somewhere I will find the strength to do what needs to be done. I know what to look for, and what to avoid. Eventually, no matter how bitter a person becomes after something not so wonderful happens, they grow from it. Unfortunately there are so many lessons I have left to learn. In years to come, I will be able to look back on this with a little twinge of pain, but a smile at all I gained. That part of me is gone, dead, lost...pick one. Its no longer mine. I gave myself completely and a piece of me will always be there. It doesnt matter if it gets better or worse from here on out, i am just going to shut that part out. In time it will be easier to deal with, and I just might have a little more understanding. so, i will put to sleep all those memories, my hope, happiness, hurt, and anger to what you used to fall asleep to all those nights. Heres to ending what was and starting new. A clean slate. No expectations, no regrets, no more hurt. Just two people who will hopefully one day be the best of friends. Goodnight beautiful, Ill see you later, my friend.

"Grey"
Ani Difranco

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. i feel right at
home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way. i smoke and i drink and
every time i blink i have a tiny dream. but as bad as i am i'm proud of the
fact that i'm worse than i seem. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've
got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny thing will
wash up on the shore. you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv. you
penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out
to sea. and what can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me, and
what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally? what kind of paradise am i
looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny
shiny key will wash up on the shore. regretfully, i guess i've got three
simple things to say. why me? why this now? why this way? overtone's ringing,
undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand that is grey by an
ocean that's grey. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything
i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the
shore.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 07:37:56 GMT

Even though music seems to be what is getting me though, this time it just doesnt seem to ease the pain. it speaks my language, says what I cannot say. But it doesnt take anything away. It just simply is. The friend that wraps their arms around me and tells me everything will be ok. While I eat cookie dough, smoke a cigarette and listen to that song on repeat for the millionth time. Thank you tyler, you really saved me. Now, I return to my sented bed, in my stained apartment waiting for whatever comes next.

"Untouchable Face"
Ani Difranco

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 07:59:16 GMT

There it goes again, burning from the inside out. I wonder if it will ever stop. If I will ever be free from this torment. I know what I need to do, but I dont think i can do it. I dont know if I am strong enough anymore...or really if I ever was. Im just going through the motions right now. I pretend to give a damn that my entire future hangs in the balance. I dont give two shits that all the time and money I have put into my career so far could very easily slip right out of my fingers. I feel like I have nothing left to lose. You can take whatever else you want and it wouldnt make a difference to me. I have lost the one person that means more to me than life itself. Yeah, call me dramatic, say Im over reacting, whatever. I just watched my world crumble around me for the second time in my life. All thats left are broken dreams and unfulfilled promises. Fuck love, and fuck happiness. I give up. I'm walking away, and making your life easier. no more guilt over what was...and is. I am the puppet, you are the puppet master. Its quite unfortunate, but that is the hand I have been dealt. I cant stop the sun from shining, nor can I stop my love for you. All I can do is conceal it. Not allow it to give you so much power over me.

I will never find myself here again. The walls are too high and thick. That part of me is off limits. Not to you, you are already there, I cant get you out. Even if I tried I would fail...miserably. So forget me, and all the memories we shared. I will take care of them...every last one. It will no longer weight down your thoughts. Your heart is yours to give you whom you please. I will just be a distant thought only remembered when you hear that certain song, or go to that certain place, or in your dreams as a passer by. Someday your mind will be completely rid of me. Eventually. All my love...