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Jul. 13th, 2005 @ 05:41 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: depressed
As Your Ghost Takes Flight

saves the day


The last time that I saw you, August of '99,
I should've had my hammer and a few rusty spikes
to nail you on a wall and use bottles to catch your blood
and display you for the neighbors so they know your time had come.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
And as your body sags and the stench rises in vain,
the people on the street are collecting in dismay.
Before your eyes your head lifts towards the sky
and that's the last thing they'll remember of you.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
You've become a ghost.
You're floating somewhere in between
the waking world and a landscape of dreams.
Well it's nothing but dying.
You've got a grenade stuck in your teeth and you're pulling at the pin.
You're an illusion, just a shadow flickering underneath the sun.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
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Jul. 11th, 2005 @ 03:55 am ha
Current Mood: drunk
I have had a wonderful week. camping, family, friends, captian...what else could I ask for? (laura...but shes predisposed so I will forgive her). The only thing that could ruin any of it is thinking too much (which I tend to do but thats besides the point). I want to put to rest the things that haunt me, but that is much easier said than done. I would sooner say goodbye than revisit what went wrong. I just wish I knew how to. maybe some day when i have found the remedy I will be able to share my wisdom...until then I will bury myself in what allows me to leave my troubles at the door and enjoy all that I have been blessed with.
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Jun. 28th, 2005 @ 03:31 am (no subject)
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Portishead
"give me a reason to love you..."

wow, I instantly fell in love with this CD. Thank you tyler. you know me too well. :)

There are so many things I wish I could write down. There is an endless stream of thoughts jumbling around in my mind. Unfinished business, unsaid feelings, all worthless now. I dont know which way is up. I dont think I want to know. If this is how things have to be I would rather just not know whats going on. and now know where I am or who I am. If I cant freeze a moment than I would rather not be able to tell them apart. blur them all together so when I look back on it I just remember a vague feeling. I clearly cant keep people out so why dont I just keep myself in. Yeah, Keep myself in some different place...away from reality. It will be a shorter ride, but it will be more fun. at least I will tell myself that. I cant take this. I want to go back...no I dont...thats rediculous. fuck...its time for another cig.
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Jun. 25th, 2005 @ 08:23 am (no subject)
Current Mood: happy
I just got back from possibly the most wonderful 8 hours I could spend at school. Drunk at open lab for the first 4 hours, then off to McDs for breakfast and albertsons for cigs and sparklers. Then back to school for another 4 hour lab. Playing with sparklers with the lab instructor...setting off fire crackers...jamming to Kosheen. yeah, its been a great night. later today when I have to go back to school for required lab and Im dead tired....it will have been well worth it! I'm so very excited. I just wish my body wasnt so angry with me. its time for bed...
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Jun. 21st, 2005 @ 04:24 am (no subject)
Current Mood: numb
very intense. i forgot how that one went. i wish i had that...even for a moment. true and honest...i suppose i had it once, but I didnt know what to do with it so i took it for granted. by the time I realized what I had it was too late...or so it is said. I dunno, i never will...if i had the opportunity i dont think i would want to know anyways. im glad things ended up the way they did. ive learned a lot and there are mistakes I will never make again. i just hope I have the opportunity to not make them. then again, im sure I could live without all that crap! :) for now im off to sweet dreams backed by the wonderfullness of drag queens...Here's to Robb & Stucky...I'm glad you've found what you were looking for...Ill get there someday...
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Jun. 20th, 2005 @ 01:40 am (no subject)
Current Mood: sick
Its amazing what will cross ones mind when you spend an entire night alone. The cell phone is off, the roommates are gone. You've decided to stay in and do nothing. I dont know quiet how to descibe it. I havent done this in so long. Yeah, a big part of the reason why is because Im sick. But it was a well needed rest. All I've done it eat junk food, smoke cigarettes, and watch movies. Its interesting what you find out about yourself when you least expect it. Even more interesting is what you find out about those around you...when they least expect it. Here's to never believing another word. Never trusting another desperate line, and building a fortress so thick I wont know what sunlight and fresh air are. I've gone too long trying to see the good and being the bigger person. Its got me nowhere. I'm not wasting anymore time. so fuck everything...
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Jun. 11th, 2005 @ 01:04 am (no subject)
Hmmm, I am very happy right now, drinking my margarita, thinking about too many things at once. Its good and despite the fact that im coming off of a really shitty situation, life couldnt be better. I have the best of friends and I never go home unhappy. wonderful. but , here are a few of my thoughts to the afore mentioned shitty situation...


Damageplan f. Jerry Cantrell Lyrics
Ashes To Ashes

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Everytime you trample across my peaceful mind
Flailing freely, want me to let it slide
How you hurt her went so far beyond wrong
I burn you down to cinders, ashes now you’re gone, yeah

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Begging mercy, shifting, playing on both sides
Cut your own throat open and ask me how you died
What was once respect has slowly headed south
Memory forces echoes better in my mouth, yeah

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Well I have no respect left for what you’re about
And sympathy won’t come from me
Erase everything that you once could have been
Destruction of your dignity
I scatter your ashes into the wind
Regret is too short, now you’re free
Leave here in shame doomed to fulfill
Your pathetic destiny

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It’s history
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It’s history
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Jun. 8th, 2005 @ 09:14 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: angry
It really is amazing how much can change in such a short time. I never tought it possible, then all of a sudden everything seems to be changing at the same pace throughout all aspects of my life. Its weird. I cant stop it though, so what am I going to do? eh. Heres to a wonderfully interesting weekend. Filled with the best and the worst of things...only a few I would repeat...



Melissa Ferrick
"One Night Stand"

"Go a head and tell your friends
It was a one night stand
Tell 'em you were out of your head
Tell 'em we never made it to my bed
Tell them whatever you want
To make you feel O.K.
But dont try to tell me
You didn't look in my eyes
'N say to me
Don't let go
Don't let go of me"
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Jun. 6th, 2005 @ 08:55 pm (no subject)
woo! Im out of the hell hole class for the night and i couldnt be happier! well I could, but its ok. hopefully i will be getting a loan from the devil himself, but I doubt it since he is such an ass! so hurray, now I must go take care of business...
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Jun. 6th, 2005 @ 02:09 am (no subject)
Current Mood: gloomy
"starving for one thing to make you whole, dreaming of lights on sunset strip. leaving you without the foresight to see the end. So bring on the daylight. The most sober of cures..."

ha I love it. There are so many things I wish I could say, but Good judgement kicks in and well...leaves me unable to say what i really think. that and not being able to express myself in any form other than music. Hopefully someday you will hear my song. And you will finally understand. Until then go on going through the motions...ill pretend to give a shit.
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Jun. 2nd, 2005 @ 03:52 am (no subject)
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: mayday mayday "The Lunch Box"
not really what I expected, but ok. I dont know what is supposed to happen next, but I guess each day will bring me closer to finding out what I should be doing. geez im sinking again. i allowed myself to be brought here...so I cant complain too much.

in better news, my roommate and I finally recorded one of the songs. it makes me muy happy. I feel as though i have accomplished something and now I have something to look forward to tomorrow. woo hoo. That and I dont have a crazy ass lab schedule this month!! sweet normal sleep schedule!! i could cry
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May. 29th, 2005 @ 06:34 pm (no subject)
Ha, I got it. I win (as usual). women are always better. I am completely satisfied.
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May. 20th, 2005 @ 03:25 am (no subject)
Current Mood: sick
This song makes me quite happy. It definitely inspired me today, beauty comes from ashes I guess. Without the shit we go through there wouldnt be anything interesting to write about. Hopefully i will make something worth listening to someday. time will tell. until then ill sit in a dark room with my guitar living my dreams, doing everything im too afraid to do, and saying what needs to be said. All with a simple melody and lots of emotion.


Transcend (Close Your Eyes)
By Irrational

You're the one that showed me
You're the one that showed me the door
Paint a picture like greenery
Paint a picture that is plain to see
I want to walk outside my mind
You're the one that holds the key
I want to walk outside my mind
If you're the one with me

Close your eyes
Open wide
Let me in
We can transcend

In the state between dreaming and awake
absolutely nothing is fake
You realize there is nothing at stake
meet me here tonight x 4

Close your eyes
Open wide
Let me in
We can transcend

When your standing in dark room,
you can open your eyes and see nothing.
Welcome to a bright room, those same eyes can see x 3

Close your eyes
Open wide
Let me in
We can transcend
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May. 18th, 2005 @ 02:47 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: grateful
I remember now why I only allow myself beer. At least Ive refreshed my memory and now I wont have to go through that again for quite some time! Tonights going to be great, I cannot wait. Oh the things I do...what a dork.
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May. 17th, 2005 @ 11:57 am (no subject)
Current Mood: excited
I am a genius...well actually laura is. She gets all the credit. We have out smarted the system and I get to stay in school for another month with out having to pay $2000 extra. yeah bitches...tonight we celebrate!!
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May. 16th, 2005 @ 11:04 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: happy
Yeah, so yesturday was the most amazing day Ive had in a long time. I didnt think it was going to be so wonderful...was I wrong. So, I will go through each day until the next time one of these days rolls around with this song in my head. because we enjoyed it together, and I hope to again very soon.

"Sleeping In"
The Postal Service

Last week I had the strangest dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where there was never any mystery of who shot John F. Kennedy
It was just a man with something to prove
Slightly bored and severely confused
He steadied his rifle with his target in the center
And became famous on that day in November

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

Again last night I had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded
For treating others as they'd like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
For mailing letters with the address of the sender
Now we can swim any day in November

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
(now we can swim any day in November)
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

[x3]
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
OOo oOo oOo

[x2]
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
OOo oOo oOo
(Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping)

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don't wake me I plan on sleeping
OOo oOo oOo
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May. 15th, 2005 @ 04:30 am (no subject)
Current Mood: excited
wow, everything is really weird. Its all kind of going by in slow motion. Friendships are slowly disappating, and I find myself in yet another new place. Ehh, it happens...as usual. my heart speeds up every now and then when I realize how sober I am. Its a little refreshing to know how I got home and not be fumbling around my apartment trying desperately to not wake my roommates up. I could use a few days off, but as soon as my break is over Ill be back in the game. I just need a mini detox...yes, thats it. Ok, now I must sleep so tomorrow can get here even faster and I can finally get to what I have been looking forward to for the past week. Good friends, Good food, drum circle, and sara. mmmm I havent been this happy in a while.
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May. 14th, 2005 @ 03:34 am (no subject)
Current Mood: pissed off
If only you could see what goes on behind the scenes. yes, what Im doing is wrong, but like your control I need something that makes me feel. My scars are on the inside, and are far more numerous than yours. You understand what I feel, I know you do. Dont hate me, please dont shut me out, Im just trying to find my footing again. when i got pushed down it wasnt just to the ground, it was into a chasm. Im just trying to crawl back up again. Added stress doesnt help. When shit happens...its all happens at once. you know that, I have absolutely no luck. Everything bad that could possibly happen, happens all at the same time. so, please dont lose respect for me for cutting so deep. I never did. do what you want of course, but if a friendship to me is on your list of things to do, then be that. What you do need when you are where I am? Thats what I need. Simply someone who understands what I feel and will be there with me and for me no matter what bullshit im going thought. If not, thats fine. but dont pretend you dont understand. Thats it. i dont mean to be a bitch, but some wounds take time to heal. This one could take a while. all Im doing is making sure Im still alive.
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May. 11th, 2005 @ 09:37 pm (no subject)
Patience is running thin. I spend my time wondering when I will be able to finally breathe that sigh of relief that only comes from an end to present turmoil. Present isnt the word. indefinite...thats better. I fear the only time I will be truly free from this life long parasite is when I close my eyes for the last time. How much is one person supposed to take? Granted, things could be a lot worse and I am grateful that they arent, but no one deserves this. I didnt ask for it. People keep telling me that good will come from it, that I will be stronger in the end. When is the mother fucking end. If it lasts my entire life, what lesson will I learn? i will have never come out of it, ill never be able to reflect on what was. Tell me how this works, because its been 11 years and I still dont know. Things only get added on to it. No, you cant go through one thing at a time, you have to go through 15 things at a time. Of course thats the only way. my only solice is something Im supposed to hate. fuck. another addiction.
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May. 11th, 2005 @ 04:25 am (no subject)
Current Mood: amused
Great friends, good times, and hope for a smile tomorrow. McDs tonight and donuts in the morning. School all week and sara this weekend. life couldnt be much better. despite the limp Im still walking. With care of course, but Im still making my way and doing my best to help anyone I can along the way. Call me crazy, whatever. Im just another gay mother fucker on this planet. Human of course. All I can do is treat those around me the way I would like to be treated. so here I am as a shoulder, an ear, anything I can do (within human reason of course). I know how down life can take you. Ive been to the depths (Im still on my way out), so whats the best thing I can do with this new knowledge? I cant keep it to myself and feel good. So, I will be an open door. To those who cross my path. No matter why or how. We are all going through the same shit. So, Friend, here is to you. You're not in this alone. When the world disappers, I will still be here. Im too lazy to go anywhere else! :) Have a wonderful night!

Aerial
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